Monthly Archives: January 2014


So there aren’t a lot of things that I do right when I try to change my diet.  Eating salads is probably part of that list.  Let’s just say that my ideal salad is basically some lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers and dressing.  Let’s just say that the the cucumbers are actually pickles and that the “salad” is protected from the cold winter weather by heat generated via all beef patty and melted cheese.  It is further shielded through a device I like to call the “bread muff,” which is really just two warm delicious halves of a bun.  Since the salad is obviously the main course it requires a side dish from the food group known primarily as “french fries.”  Now in order to wash down all this salad I’ll want a large drink, but since I’m watching my calories I’ll make sure it’s healthy for me; probably based out of a liquid that used to be milk and is now closer to butter.  So now that I have my salad and my milk-butter drink (let’s call it a “shake” for short), I’ll have to see about scrounging up some dessert…maybe some kind of fruit…a pear…or apple…pie.

If you’re doing something stupid, like actually trying to eat healthy, here’s a trick I like to use to avoid carbs, avoid calories and clean up the fridge.  Let’s call it “garbage salad.”  It’s called garbage salad because if you don’t eat whatever ingredients it’s made up of soon, they will end up in the garbage.

As I was about to leave for work this morning I noticed that some steak fajita mix that I’d made was still sitting in the fridge.  I thought about what our meal plans looked like for the next couple days, the fact that I’d defrosted some fish already, we had leftover stuffed peppers from the night before and we’d discussed grabbing something fun for dinner tonight.  That led me to believe that if I didn’t take this to work I’d be holding a service for it on Sunday around noon when I discovered it no longer qualified as lunch.  Homemade tacos, burritos or fajitas generally make for a pain in the ass as work lunch fair.  My solution?  I grabbed some spinach and iceberg lettuce we had chopped up and threw them into a container with a little bit of dressing.  The fajita mix stayed in a separate container.  When lunch time rolled around, I heated the mix, tossed it in with the salad.  I shaved some calories, saved some money and kept my hard work from going in the garbage.

It’s all a clever rouse…rouge…rogue…too lazy to spell check…

I was thinking today about successful people.  I was thinking, how often are they not really who they pretend to be.  It has been my experience that most of us play some kind of role, not just around friends and family but especially at work.  In the old days (2013) it may have been a little more wild west but now we have to be careful about being PC and not offending anyone.  This generally goes against my sensibilities as in my free time, my friends and I almost practically thrive on being offensive.  I mean, we live for who can say the most ridiculously offensive thing.

So it is my observation that we are generally expected to not be who we actually are.  We are paid by our companies to be who we are not; not who we are. If you can find a job that pays you to be who you are, you could be a very successful person indeed.  Provided that they were paying you to be a crude, vile, small minded caveman who mostly operates in grunts and violence.  I think there might be a market for that actually.

The future!



I wasn’t sure what to say about the future.  I mean…we sat down at one point and tried to understand what was important to us.  “Us” means my wife and I, not me and the other fat loser, although I guess the two fat losers have also discussed that.  So, the future…it really wasn’t anything too insanely creative.  It was the usual: financial goals, vacations, time with family.  No life altering revelations like, I want to go back to school to be an architect or I want to be a unicycle riding bear.  I mean, truthfully I would like to alter my career path but at this stage I’d need a pretty god damn good plan and I don’t have one.

I have to take some kind of action.

I can at least plan for the things I can plan for.  I can always change the plan later if I realize I had it wrong but without any plan at all I’m pretty much at the mercy of the universe.

Crystal balls

Height – 6′

Weight – 246#

Down two pounds from previous weigh-in.  Obviously I will need to continue eating wings and drinking beer in lieu of playing volleyball.  I can honestly think of nothing I’ve done right recently that would warrant the fluctuation unless simply planning diet and exercise is enough to cause weight loss.


Ah…the future.  What DOES it look like? I’ve asked myself many times, “What do I really want?”  People, I’ve decided that there is only one simple answer to that question, one universal answer.  The answer is happiness.  I just want to be happy.  That should pretty much cover everything, right?

Well here’s one theory.

“You can buy happiness…”

It may be a little cream puff for my liking but I can’t totally deny the logic.

Dwelling on negative things is hardly going to be the way to jump start the rainbow generator especially if it’s gotten crammed way up your ass.

I know that  physical health is critical to my happiness as well as mental health.  In fact, I would argue that they are somewhat inseparable.


There, you get that for today.

6′ tall (this stat won’t change)

248# (this stat will)

I did better than usual.  Which in this case is close to pathetic.  I normally put on 15 pounds over the holiday season and this time I managed to keep it to 8.  I’ve also isolated almost all of the damage to the two week period immediately surrounding our holiday party.  It’s the fact that we take Christmas, Christmas Eve, the party, and try to eat all of the leftovers before they go bad.  See, I may be a fat-ass at heart but even for me, eating a whole pie in a couple sittings is not normal behavior.

Now that I’m temporarily done crying about my weight like a fat girl who can’t find the cake, I leave you with these words of inspiration.

If you go to the gym you might see girls like the ones below.  You probably won’t have a prayer of landing them but you can stare awkwardly while you hide your shame with an undersized locker room towel.

See? Effing hot.
                                  See? Effing hot.


New Year’s Revolutions

Maybe this year will be different.


Maybe this year I’ll get my shit together.  Now I know that everyone has different levels of “getting their shit together” as my friends have pointed out.  I have my own expectations.

I need to be better at this game than I ever was.  The clock is ticking, I have dreams unfulfilled, missions incomplete, a wife, a child, responsibilities to myself and others.  How do I find the time to do everything that needs to be done when I’m my worst distraction?  I need a plan.

Not just a plan, I need “the” plan.  I want to be happy.  I want to be happy for the long haul.  I need to prioritize which pieces are critical and which are background noise.  I need to determine which steps have to come first.  I have to figure out how to take all of the day to day madness and turn it into an elegant dance.

Step 1: See the future.

Homework for my TV?



Here’s an interesting trick.  Take the laziest fucking thing you do.

I’m waiting.

Ok.  I get it, you’re really fucking lazy.

I’m trying to make a point here and that point is that watching TV is about as fucking lazy as it gets.  It’s lazier than playing video games (pretty obviously) and it’s even lazier than watching a movie.  How is it lazier than watching a movie?  Generally watching a movie either involves some preparation, maybe even a trip to the theater but at the very least for my friends and I there is always the post movie discussion.  An often heated debate unfolds about why this was the best/worst in the series or why you’re stupid for liking/disliking certain parts of the film, e.g.

Friend 1 “I thought the ending was stupid”

Friend 2 “Oh? Well you’re stupid.”

See?  A spirited debate weighing the pros and cons of the cinematic impact of this particular endeavor.

Where was I? Oh, right, tv = lazy.

So you take this super lazy thing you do and marketing being what it is, it’s not enough to sit their and stare blankly at the commercial for diet pop fizz, the companies that are paying millions of dollars in advertising want to know if you actually SAW their commercial for diet pop fizz.

Enter, the Nielsen company.

This is where the trouble started.
This is where the trouble started.

Actually, to be totally accurate the trouble started when they sent me a couple bucks in an envelope and asked me to fill out a simple survey.  As I tried to figure out how I would go about returning $2 to them for a survey I wasn’t really interested in, a thought occurred to me.  That thought was, “It’s probably easier to just fill out the damn survey and mail it back to them.”  Now, I know what you’re thinking.  I could have just kept the two dollars and thrown the survey out.  Unfortunately there are a couple problems with that logic:

1) It’s not that hard to guilt me.  I may have mostly shed my catholic background but the guilt remains.

2) This post would have been pretty boring if it ended with, “…and then I got $2 in the mail.”

3) Curiousity.  Probably the deadliest and least discussed of all sins.  Possibly a key ingredient to all sinning ever, now that I think about it.


So I agreed to participate and make my family and friends participate in whatever data collection Nielsen desired.  “You write a couple of things down and get a few bucks every week,” I figured.  Well, it isn’t that simple.

First off, there is a lot of data they want you to write down; enough to be annoying.  Second, you are supposed to have a “TV Viewing Diary” for every TV in the house.  Third, you are supposed to fill in each of those diaries whether you watched TV in there or not.  It’s this third part that really sucks.  We have 3 televisions, but we only watch TV on one of them.  The basement TV is basically for movies and games and the bedroom TV is for making it look like we watch TV in there.

Not long ago we cut the cable and ditched the DVR.  Our television viewing has nose dived between that and having a kid to watch.  So now, we have to fill out the same rudimentary information in each fricking log, and it is significantly more data than our actual TV watching is providing.  “No big deal, just do it,” I told my wife.  Actually, I think I amended that with, “or do what I do and just avoid watching TV so you don’t have to fill out the guide.”  Yeah, that was my solution.  If I couldn’t laze about in front of the TV I wasn’t going to watch at all.  No filling in paperwork for me.

One week and I'm over this already.
One week and I’m over this already.

Maybe they could just screw something into my brain and send me $5 a week without me doing any paper work.

Well, I better finish up the TV diaries before I go to bed, because they need to be in the mail tomorrow.  If they aren’t I may have to answer to Mr. Nielsen or be forced to figure out how to return my next $5.


So…how about that cold? hehehaha…ho…sheesh…tough crowd

So as I sit here lamenting the fact that once again I’m trying to do this way past my bed time, while I half pay attention to old episodes of Deep Space 9, it has occurred to me that I just haven’t taken enough time out of my day to complain about the weather.

Mmmmmm...perfect on a day like today!
Mmmmmm…perfect on a day like today!


G-damn is it cold.


Well, I’m glad I got that out of my system.  Good night everyone and make sure your furnaces are all cranked up to 11…degrees…because that would be warmer than the outside temperature.


On exercise and food – Why I’m full of one and not the other

Let me start by congratulating myself.  That’s right.  Auto-congratulations are in order due to making it to the gym a whole one time since the beginning of 2014.

I'm certain he's doing this wrong.
I’ve only been to the gym once and yet I’m certain he’s doing this wrong.

Your body is a temple and there is nothing wrong with a little temple maintenance.

Let me start once again by congratulating myself.  That’s right.  A self high five is in order because I basically ate this entire pie myself.

That's right, I went to town on this pie.  I DON'T EVEN LIKE FRENCH SILK PIE!!!!
That’s right, I went to town on this pie. I DON’T EVEN LIKE FRENCH SILK PIE!!!!

Your body is a temple it’s important to refurbish it occasionally with essential building blocks… like pudding.

Actually, I think that pie was like a week and a half old and it spent most of that time sitting on my kitchen table even though it was clearly marked “Refrigerate.”  I’m kind of amazed that it didn’t kill me.  Meh.

All the stuff we do at the gym bores me.  It all seems the same to me.  Also, and this really doesn’t help one God damn bit, I have a seriously increased appetite for days after I lift.  So, I fight my way through a visit to the gym only to go home ravenous and then eat like an idiot for the next two days.  Today for example:

  • Breakfast – A couple scoops of cottage cheese…you could do a lot worse really
  • Snacks – Well there was a bunch of stupid shit in our break room, so cheese, sausage, cookies, pickles
  • Lunch – I had packed lunch but…damn I just wanted to get out of the building for lunch.  Chinese buffet, here I come!  There were vegetables in that egg roll, right?
  • Dinner #1 – You remember that lunch I packed?  Well it died an honorable death as soon as I got home from work.
  • Dinner #2 – When your wife calls and asks if she should pick up something for dinner do you say, “no honey, I ate some leftovers I was trying to clean out of the fridge and now I have no room for delicious whatevers” or do you say “Oh hell yeah!”
You say "Oh Yeah!" and then you wash down that burrito with some sake.
You say “Oh Yeah!” and then you wash down that burrito with some sake.

Since it’s important to get some activity after a big meal you make sure you set yourself up for success.

By eating dinner in front of a two hour long movie...two hours before bed.
By eating dinner in front of a two hour long movie…two hours before bed.

Of course if you have an infant then you know that a two hour long movie only takes about five hours to watch.  Then you still have to post your blog.  So while you could have gotten about six hours of straight physical exertion in, you basically ate, drank and leisured your way through that same period of time.  Oh well, at least Tom Cruise looked like he was getting some exercise.



You better lube up 2014!!!

That’s right everybody, 2013 is over and it has been a hell of a year.  I’m going to make sure that no matter how much 2014 bucks and screams it’s going to stay firmly planted over the saw horse.

We'll probably need one of these...
We’ll probably need one of these…


...and one of these...
…and one of these…


...might as well bring one of these too.
…might as well bring one of these too.

Well…maybe that’s just a bunch of crazy talk but I think you know better.


We might as well look back at 2013:

Okay, not too detailed a look.  I don’t want you falling asleep reading this as badly as I am writing it.

  • My wife and I had a kid.  This happened in June but I don’t think I did anything really worthwhile in 2013 prior to that.  I could pretty much skip the whole rest of this post if I had to because this is by far the main event.  I’ll sum up: I drove us to the hospital, I watched an epidural being inserted, I ran a vomit brigade, I cut the cord,  I cried in amazement, I watched stitches and cleanup.  It literally blew my mind when they left him alone with us and we didn’t have to pass some kind of written test combined with a physical challenge and a fight to death against a potential future bully’s father.
  • A bunch of friends and family got married.  Seriously people, knock it off.  We can’t make it to all of them and then we feel crappy about ourselves.  If you’re going to go and fall in love just elope somewhere so nobody can be included and we non-attendees fall into the majority.
  • “We” started running/trying to get into shape.  That’s right, the “Twofatlosers” started running shortly after my kid was born.  I think the idea of being able to keep up with my kid as he grows up helped motivate me.  Also, I was just sick of being fat and out of shape, which between my awesome diet and incredible lack of exercise was not a confusing place to find myself.  This was also where I got the idea for this blog.
  • “We” started a blog.  This was to be a blog with a significant focus on our transformation and experiences regarding diet and exercise.  Well that bull shit is hilarious because in reality we, well I, didn’t even start the blog until we had essentially stopped our regular exercise.  I think a poor performance at somebody’s first 5K and recurring shin splint issues kind of sidelined our momentum.  Whatever, these things happen.
  • I bought a new car.  You don’t need any details here, just know that it was to replace my no good, piece of crap Jeep that…well, that has actually served me well considering how much I actually paid for it and how long I’ve been driving it.  Actually it just needs a few minor repairs really.  Anybody need a Jeep?
  • I installed landscape lighting.  You don’t really care about that but it was a year in the making so it was a big deal to me.  I also thought it would be a much better way to light my property than running extension cords and flood lights all over the place every winter, still not having enough light and pulling thousands of watts a day.
  • My house got vandalized by some worthless puke(s).  This wasn’t really an accomplishment but getting egged and having some of my lawn ornaments destroyed was a first so I put it on the list.  I hope that whoever was involved grows up to be relatively successful so that some worthless jerk can ruin a lot of hard work they put into building a nice holiday display or vandalizes their house so that they have to nervously keep watch the next few nights.  It’s not like I was dreaming of chasing them down the driveway with a baseball bat, sword, or my bare hands.


I think that’s the 2013 highlight reel.  Oh sure, I glossed over a lot of great times with friends, family etc.  but who wants to really hear about those good things.  Maybe I’ll pepper some of that in over the next few weeks but just in case I don’t, know that if you were involved I cherished those activities and wish I could have a transcript of most of what took place.

In any case, it’s time to get serious with 2014 and I’ll let you know what the plan is soon.  Until I figure that out, these will have to serve as my primary course indicators.

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