It occurred to me recently, as I was reading some other blogs, articles, etc. that if you really want to have something to write about you need to do something. I mean, nobody wants to read a blog post about nothing, right? There has to be some kind of initiating action to generate the content. There has to be some kind of logical flow, some kind of arc to maintain your readers attention…right? I mean, it probably shouldn’t be a pile of predictable rubbish because it’s not a mainstream movie. It shouldn’t be some highbrow concept work because nobody pulled out their smart phone on the shitter expecting to read T.S. Eliot’s Notes Towards the Definition of Culture.
My sudden concern may stem from the realization that my list of activities has largely been shortened to eat, sleep, work, and watch baby. There are about 1.5 hours where I try to sandwich in socialization, entertainment and fix life but that almost seems ludicrous if I devote 30 minutes to each. Instead, I like to spend that 90 minutes trapped in a semi-paralyzed state of zero utilization where I’m incapable of relaxing but also incapable of accomplishing anything. I can’t fully enjoy anything because it would be a betrayal to the things I’m supposed to be doing. When I choose to do the responsible stuff then I just become irritable at the fact that I’m really robbing myself of the only free time I have left. I’m freaking holding myself hostage!!!
De-motivational speech over! Everybody at home, remember, to freak right the fuck out is human!
It’s been a few crazy weeks since I posted last. We were caught up with getting ready for my son’s first birthday . An event which was completed with equal parts excitement and relief. When you have a large party it isn’t just about cleaning up and putting up decorations. It isn’t just about making sure people are fed or have something to drink. You want to offer them your very best effort to demonstrate your gratitude for them taking the time to celebrate with you. That means that unless you happen to be a party planner married to a caterer, boinking a cleaning service, you’re probably going to fall short of your own expectations even if you exceed everyone else’s.
Part of our party “prep” was to clean up all of the landscaping (a task we managed to complete just in time), clean the house top to bottom (cleaning people are expensive so we just did it ourselves) and to get a new floor poured in our garage (not even close). The heightened level of activity required to pull all of this crazy shit off was difficult to sustain pre-kid. Now it’s practically impossible. I am not certain how else to describe the anxiety level I was at the last few days before our guests arrived but for a week after I think I had PTSD. There is still a drink table set up in my garage, which I suppose comes in handy when you park but can’t wait long enough to get to the basement for something potent.
Since I just didn’t take enough of a self administered beating for the party, I followed it up with major electrical work the very next weekend. Eight hours of working in a dark basement was bad enough but the fact that it was combined with the threat of being abandoned by modern technology; well that was too much.
Father’s day was my first real break in a while and I kind of wanted to do absolutely nothing. Now that may sound fantastic to some people but I’ve learned from experience that ACTUALLY doing nothing puts my anxiety into a fever pitch. Just think of all the things you have to do now that combined with the things you didn’t do while you weren’t doing them! THINK ABOUT IT DAMMIT!!! So, I have to get something accomplished. Also, I have to be able to look back at the day and say, “hey, that one fun thing I did…that was pretty cool.” So there I was, not wanting to do anything but my wife kept nag, er, suggesting that it was a nice day and we should go to a beach-carshow-anythingdammit and the beach won. The day ended up being – sleep late, go to beach, play volleyball with friends, delicious steak dinner, relax, go to bed. I spent the day with my family, my anxiety got turned down to a low hum and it really did turn out to be a good day…which it usually is…if I could stop over thinking everything…dammit.