6′ tall (this stat won’t change)
248# (this stat will)
I did better than usual. Which in this case is close to pathetic. I normally put on 15 pounds over the holiday season and this time I managed to keep it to 8. I’ve also isolated almost all of the damage to the two week period immediately surrounding our holiday party. It’s the fact that we take Christmas, Christmas Eve, the party, and try to eat all of the leftovers before they go bad. See, I may be a fat-ass at heart but even for me, eating a whole pie in a couple sittings is not normal behavior.
Now that I’m temporarily done crying about my weight like a fat girl who can’t find the cake, I leave you with these words of inspiration.
If you go to the gym you might see girls like the ones below. You probably won’t have a prayer of landing them but you can stare awkwardly while you hide your shame with an undersized locker room towel.