Monthly Archives: November 2013

What dafuq am I reading?

No seriously, what is this?

It made my brain hurt a little…then I felt better.  Now I’m not sure.

Just in case I have so insane much to do with my super important Wednesday that I can’t post later, I am leaving you with this website I found.  You can use it to ponder the meaning of the universe or seal your suicide pact; whatever does it for you.



That is all.

400lbs of rice and a bag of diapers

I can only imagine what all of the people thought at the local Sam’s Club as my sister and I were walking out the door.  It seemed that everyone was staring at us.  As one gentleman put it, “I like rice…I keep some at home.”  That wasn’t creepy.

I imagined announcing to the crowd, “Hey, we LOVE rice but we HATE having to get up to go to the bathroom.”

I was shopping for my team for a food drive and the whole point was to find the biggest bang for our buck, weight wise.  I thought I was clever bringing my own scale since that had seemed to be useful at the regular grocery store.  My wife had another name for it; “weird.”

The best deal I’d found so far was Aldi’s canned carrots on sale at about 47 cents a pound but now I was going to take this to the holy grail of discount stores.  I was going to Sam’s Club and I was dragging my sister with me…because she has a permanently borrowed membership card.

We almost didn’t make it into Sam’s Club with the scale because of the check-in lady.  She wanted to know if it was a return and I made sure to keep walking as I answered her so that I was too far away for her to keep questioning me.  I don’t know if scales are against store policy but I didn’t have the time to deal with her either way.

The scale turned out to be useless.  It worked at the grocery store because I was putting cans of food that were 1-3lbs each on the scale.  At Sam’s club most of the stuff was in 8lb containers.   Turns out that wasn’t a big deal, pretty much everything has a weight on it at Sam’s Club.

"Maybe they just swim around in it like Scrooge McDuck?"
“Maybe they just swim around in it  while wearing the diapers like Scrooge McDuck?”

We quickly determined it wasn’t anything highly processed, drinkable or fancily packaged.  We were running out of options and out of time.  I needed to be down to almost 30 cents/lb to have a prayer of my team winning the competition.  Finally it became obvious that we’d have to settle for a shot at second.  It wasn’t canned vegetables at 40 cents/lb, it wasn’t canned beans at 38 cents/lb, it was totally massive bags of rice at 35 cents/lb.  As we left with our prize in tow the real reward was the twisted visages of our onlookers.  I’m sure they were thinking, “What the hell is all that rice and a bag of diapers for?”



Sometimes, you just need diapers.


And this is how we pick the movie

  1. Look up what’s available at the Redbox
  2. Realize that you’ve never heard of most of these movies
  3. Pick the two that you recognize
  4. Compare how many stars they were rated
  5. Realize that two stars is a pretty risky proposition if you don’t watch movies that often…dammit, the trailer didn’t look too bad
  6. Go through an extensive Google search comparing movies, actors, and whatever other ludicrous criteria you think will help
  7. Look at those two movies again…they can’t be that bad
  8. Rent them both just to hedge your bets
  9. Spend two hours talking with your friends instead of watching the movies
  10. Now everyone is fucking tired
  11. Put the damn movie in or else I’m going to bed
  12. Oh man…I’m not sure about this
  13. Um…do you guys think the other movie would be any better?
  14. Well, let’s just ride this one out
  15. So…too late to switch now
  16. Really? Everyone is sleeping?
  17. Now I have to cram this other piece of crap movie in or I’ll have totally wasted $1

Your way is the wrong way.

I guess basically what I’m saying is that whatever it is you’re doing, if you aren’t doing it the way I’d do it, it’s wrong.  That’s right, your way is the wrong way.  Are you trying to checkout in front me at the grocery store?  Well, of course you want to argue about the price of the red seedless grapes, pull out a book full of coupons and then pay with a check.  I’m pretty sure the right way would involve getting your shit done and getting the hell out of my way.  Are you trying to use the self checkout at Home Depot…to buy one pack of batteries…unsuccessfully?  The issue is obviously that you’re an incompetent boob incapable of grasping the basic concept of common technology.  Do you insist on putting slightly more garlic on your pizza than me? FOOL! THAT is TOO damn much GARLIC!!!

Gah! Why don’t people just do things the right way?!

Screwing around and then trying to fix it by not sleeping

I’m not saying that this happened today…I’m just saying that it happens an awful lot.

Hey, I’ll just play this game for a little while so I can relax! No big deal!  Except that then you find yourself trying to squeeze in shit you were supposed to be doing when you should really be in bed so you can get some sleep before your 6AM meeting.  SHIT.

Thanks for keeping me entertained friends, and fuck you for helping me screw myself out of much needed sleep.

Keeping with the schedule…public promises and idiots.

I am writing this under duress.  Duress that I placed upon myself.  I publicly promised (sort of) to post M-W-F.  I am writing this while I’m supposed to be hanging out with my friend.  Wait a second…the friend that I’m hanging out with is ALSO supposed to be writing this blog.  My friend is a DICK!  This is called TWO fat losers, not ONE fat loser.  Hey, if you ever consider relying on your best friend to post to a blog you agreed to post to…just forget it.  If you consider relying on him to bring you a delicious Arby’s sandwich and curly fries since he’s going to Arby’s anyway…well that might actually work out.

Forced Inpiration

My plan is to post something, anything until I establish a rhythm.  It will be like forcing inspiration through my old play-doh playmaker, squishing out whatever bizarre shape the plastic extrusion template of fate has prepared for me.

I started going through and scanning some old photos into a digital format so I can put some order to them.  It’s incredibly time consuming but it is funny how these memories that were so important at one point are dependent on the photos to jar them loose.  Even then sometimes I’m not certain if I’m actually remembering something or just manufacturing a memory to fit the photo.  In some cases the photos appear so abstract from my other memories; it’s as if instead of capturing an event the image were staged.

Sweet dreams.

This doesn’t always need to be brilliant.

There’s an old saying that goes, “he who would post to blogs must do so pretty frequently or people just won’t give a shit.”  I believe that there may be wisdom in these words.  My brother recently asked me what the theme of the blog was, what the purpose was, what the plan was.  I didn’t have a very good answer.  It certainly seemed like a reasonable question.  I mean, we generally are drawn to a blog or website for some purpose, right?  I might go to XKCD, Questionable Content or Oglaf, because I want a laugh.  I might go to a fitness blog because I want to share my struggles or learn new techniques or gawk at chicks with big muscles.  Ok…I probably won’t be found on a fitness blog, at least not a normal one.  In any case it helps motivate my viewers if there’s a purpose, right?  It should also help motivate ME in the writing!  Shouldn’t it be easier to write if I know what my voice is, what the point of the whole damn thing is?

Well, guess what.  I’m not really sure what the point is.  I spent years talking about starting a website with my friends while we tried to hash out all of the details.  Nothing ever happened.  I recently learned that sometimes you just have to force activity.  Wait, scratch that.  I advised other people a long time ago, creative types, artists if you insist, that they needed to force the creation of things and not wait for inspiration.  I thought that the momentum would build and eventually you would find yourself more inspired, more creative, more successful.  It seems logical enough.  When I say that I “recently learned” I mean, that I saw it in practice recently some where and internalized it.  What I am trying to do right now is to stop waiting for that perfect idea or perfect plan and just create some kind of commotion.  I thought this might be a fun silly fitness blog or just a blog about two guys that like to eat like crap and play video games but right now it’s just a way for me to force some activity out of myself.  I mean, I like to post to facebook and all but sometimes you want to write a four hundred and forty one word diatribe right before you go to bed!  With that I leave you but I promise that my intent going forward is to update no less than Monday, Wednesday and Friday every week, even if it is only to present you with a list of my favorite brands of underwear.

5AM Workouts…and why they are a stupid stupid idea, part 2

So in the event that you haven’t abandoned all hope that I might continue posting (I almost had) here is the quasi-continuation of part 1 of this post.  I not only had a hard time maintaining the 5am work out schedule I apparently am almost incapable of posting to my own blog.  “THERE’S JUST NO TIME IN THE DAY!” one might decree, but I know better.  I’ve wasted plenty of time here and there doing something useless (I’m not prepared to argue that this activity doesn’t fall under the same heading so don’t even bring it up).  In any case the 5am workout schedule held for about a week.  The very next week I was forced to come to the realization that I needed to schedule a work project with a twice a week 6am start time.  This effectively made those days a no go for the gym.  “Well,” you might ask “what about the other three days?” “Screw you guys for asking” is what I would say.  I don’t have a good excuse other than it screwed up my rhythm some how and that was all it took to de-rail me.  Also getting up at 4:30 really sucks since I have a lot more familiarity with crawling into bed at that time.

The 5am workouts still fit into my schedule better than anything else.  The unlikely prospect of both getting out of work early enough to make it to the gym before having to make my daycare pick-up AND having the motivation to do so limits my options.  Now that I think about it, a month from now the kid will be old enough to take advantage of the gym’s daycare so that would give me some additional options.

That’s all you get tonight.  I have to go suck down a chicken sandwich, fries, root beer and a cheeseburger so I can maintain my aggressive metabolism.  Beefcake, BEEFCAKE!